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Co Irkers

The woman who lives on the other side of my cubicle has verbal diarrhea. She also feels the need to narrate her entire day to no one in particular. She will also just stand up and lob non-sequiturs over our cursed three-quarter wall and because I am facing my computer to do a quaint little thing I like to call ‘work’, I cannot escape. She will keep talking at me while I work. My mama taught me to be a painfully polite person in most situations, so I feel compelled to distractedly say ‘Mmmhmm’ and grunt attentively when she pauses, but most of the time, I just want her to shut the hell up. Just work in silence. Please. Please. For the love of God please.

The worst is when she’s trapped someone else and starts babbling at them and then they make an excuse to walk away while she’s in the middle of her story. She’ll just turn and finish telling the story to me. The story I wasn’t even listening to in the first place. Perhaps she assumes that conversations involve everyone in earshot because when someone stops by my desk to talk to me, she’ll jump up and insert herself into the conversation or just blatantly change the subject all together about some insipid and inconsequential aspect about her own life.

I have taken to transcribing her inanity to make a type of prose poetry, blatantly typing it out while she is obliviously orating. What follows is an example:

My coworker would like you to know that
she’s sorry that she took so long
but she went to the bathroom
and she went to the stall down by the end
And the toilet wasn’t flushed
and so she flushed it
and then the water rose
all the way up to the top
but it didn’t go over
no it didn’t
and so she had to go tell someone
and that is why she took so long
and but luckily it didn’t overflow
because that would have taken even longer
and oh she forgot to go potty
and she’ll be right back
and isn’t that funny to go through
all of that and not
go potty?

And another, this a direct dictation, apropos of nothing:

When I make noodles
I just put butter on ’em
a little cheese…
butter and salt, ya
and salsa?

You should try it with salsa

And a little… ah, awesome
as a side dish

my salsa had zucchini
a bunch of peppers
brown sugar
and ah
just a really different tasting salsa
but so good

I remember
the second time I made it
I was cutting up the peppers?
ya, the peppers and…
and didn’t put no gloves on
oh my hands?
were burnt up to here
I had to sleep with ice packs
of course you don’t
feel it while you’re doing it

It’s like working next to Rainman, only not as interesting. Feel my pain. Seriously.

I’m going to hell for posting this.